Whenever I hear stories of female married friends, family, or relatives who go through separation or divorce, a part of my heart is pinched. I may not fully understand the turmoil and the pounding hurt they feel deep inside but somehow I can relate to their feelings and emotions -- perhaps because I am a woman who experienced this wonderful feeling called "love."
One of my friends is going through an ordeal - her husband of more than a decade is leaving her for the "adventure of his lifetime" and of course, another woman he barely even knew. And since I'm constantly updated of what is happening to her, I can't help but cry. As actors would put it, they embody the character they are playing. In a similar manner, my friend's despair rubs on me.
"Love" comes and sweeps us off our feet. Then for some unfathomable but all too familiar reasons like the "Tao lang ako" (I am only human) or the classic "It's not you, it's me", the person who gave 200% devotion finds him or herself confused, with a gaping hole in the chest.
Life's lessons are indeed best taught by experience. These realities only become visible and real when a person gets inside a contract called marriage. To the one in love, he or she overlooks the partner's faults and capabilities to become a worthy spouse - maturity, fidelity, trustworthiness. The one in love is fearless to face "forever." And then at the height of marital challenges, the one in love wallows in an epiphany of regret, of the "I should have knowns". But it is too late.
"Love" comes and sweeps us off our feet. Then for some unfathomable but all too familiar reasons like the "Tao lang ako" (I am only human) or the classic "It's not you, it's me", the person who gave 200% devotion finds him or herself confused, with a gaping hole in the chest.
Life's lessons are indeed best taught by experience. These realities only become visible and real when a person gets inside a contract called marriage. To the one in love, he or she overlooks the partner's faults and capabilities to become a worthy spouse - maturity, fidelity, trustworthiness. The one in love is fearless to face "forever." And then at the height of marital challenges, the one in love wallows in an epiphany of regret, of the "I should have knowns". But it is too late.
The Beginning - A Fairy Tale Come True
Boy and girl experience the "spark."
Boy and girl fall in love.
Boy and girl feel forever is not enough.
Boy and girl think the world is theirs to conquer.
Boy and girl become husband and wife.
Boy and girl starts a family.
The Castle Begins to Crumble
Reality then sets in - moving in together, seeing each other's faults and each other at their worst, raising the kids, raising enough money, feeling the romance die, feeling the differences give birth to conflicts, getting irritated for what the other spouse does and what the other does not do. Reality sets in and slowly overshadows the very reasons of the two of them being together.
Such realities open the doors for one partner to seek refuge or temporary satisfaction in another form - a person, a vice, an addiction or worst all three of them. The vice and addiction however are forgivable things and do little to damage the heart. The other person, call it a "third party", is the reason that can make all things go into a black hole.
The Heartbreak
In all heartbreaks, someone does the hammering. The one whose heart is broken into pieces falls at the mercy of the one who errs. As my favorite author Neil Gaiman says, " [Love]... makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
True - the heartbroken is not only in pieces but all messed up. Literally, the pain can be compared to pressing an anvil to the heart while knives are inserted on all open sides. Science puts it as stress-induced cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome, a condition that follows when the heart is weakened due to extreme emotional stress such as break-up, divorce or the death of a loved one.
Everyday, the broken-hearted struggles to find a ray of light to live. She diverts attention to other things like work. She lives like a jaded zombie until the wonderful healer called time comes to pick up and paste the shattered pieces of her broken heart.
Every now and then the memory of yesteryears floods her, like arrows piercing her inner flesh. The warmth of her lover's hug, the kiss, and the horrible image of him with another woman is too much of a pain to handle - like a dagger jammed and jammed again, breaking into the core of her soul.
The Hope of Healing
A physical heart transplant is always easier than healing the broken heart. It is the soul of the heartbroken that needs healing, the memories that need a daily check up of tucking away, the spontaneous hemorrhagic vengeful conviction that needs to be controlled.
Yes, there is hope. There always is. One can choose to forgive, accept and move on. Some married couples, in the condition where the one at fault finds remorse and is willing to change, swim like champions to the finish line, getting over the hurt, working to achieve healing and restoration and inspiring other couples to do the same. The pain of forgiving is traded for the promise of a better future, a stronger love, a love that has weathered the storms. As always, "mercy is greater than revenge, compassion greater than anger."
Some just stay above the water for convenience' sake - for the children's sake. In worst cases, they live in a facade of togetherness, but internally they are in two separate worlds called "Open Relationship" or "It's Complicated."
Some drown in anger and revenge, caught in a vicious cycle of emotional battles up against each other. As a way to forget the pain and dilute the hate, they seek solace in another partner.
In the case where an erring spouse leaves voluntarily, the one who is left alone has no choice but to move on and heal solitarily. On this solo journey he or she finds what was once the wonderful self --- again, albeit the enormous pain.
To All Married Couples And Those Who Will Be
Occasionally jaded and idealistic as I am, I still believe that love is not a feeling, but a decision. Love is love when one strives to overlook an offense rather than be engulfed in it. Love is love when one remains true to a vow that once was made - through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer. Easier said than done, but true.
What Have We Forgotten?
Society has given lesser value to the sanctity of a covenant, of a vow, of a marriage. Our culture has created normalcy out of men or women practicing infidelity as a sign of authority, power, and influence. "Sex adventures" has been promoted as norms, hailing James Bond's spectacular charisma over women as a behaviour worth emulating.
Our media have lowered the image of women, treating them as objects of lust rather than human beings that need to be respected. Worst, women have accepted their value based on beauty, sex, and men's degree of affection towards them. As a result, some women who are desperate to feel loved by a man gives in to the trap of being the second girlfriend, one of the girls, a mistress, or a wife who should be satisfied because "siya ang inuuwian ng asawa niya" (she is the one her husband goes home to.) She has forgotten how precious she truly is. Society has warped what we value, and the sad thing is we conform to its decrees.
Blame it to how society defines love, blame the nagging wife or the complacent husband, but at the end of the day, the choice is still made by the person involved. "Junk the current thing for the new? Walk away? Or choose what is right and work at it?"
Marriage and Its Maker
In so many real testimonies that I heard and learned of, hope and comfort are found in the Great Designer of Marriage - God. By holding on to His promise of peace, restoration, and strength, the one whose heart was broken can find him or herself whole again. And in His perfect will and time, He makes all things new - and even turn broken marriages into renewed vows.
But while at the process of healing, forgiving, praying, but not tolerating, seem to work best for the one at fault. More importantly, it releases the hurting party from pain, anger, and un-forgiveness.
My hope is for all couples to agree to retreat, to go into the state of pondering the very reason they exist, the very reason they are together, the very reason they fell in love. By doing this, marriage returns to its original design - a sacred vow, a precious promise, a decision of love.
My hope is for all couples to humble themselves and pray to the God they promised "forever", to pray for healing, restoration and revival of love that will see them each day and will withstand all storms.
He is the bind that holds them together.
Boy and girl experience the "spark."
Boy and girl fall in love.
Boy and girl feel forever is not enough.
Boy and girl think the world is theirs to conquer.
Boy and girl become husband and wife.
Boy and girl starts a family.
The Castle Begins to Crumble
Reality then sets in - moving in together, seeing each other's faults and each other at their worst, raising the kids, raising enough money, feeling the romance die, feeling the differences give birth to conflicts, getting irritated for what the other spouse does and what the other does not do. Reality sets in and slowly overshadows the very reasons of the two of them being together.
Such realities open the doors for one partner to seek refuge or temporary satisfaction in another form - a person, a vice, an addiction or worst all three of them. The vice and addiction however are forgivable things and do little to damage the heart. The other person, call it a "third party", is the reason that can make all things go into a black hole.
The Heartbreak
In all heartbreaks, someone does the hammering. The one whose heart is broken into pieces falls at the mercy of the one who errs. As my favorite author Neil Gaiman says, " [Love]... makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
True - the heartbroken is not only in pieces but all messed up. Literally, the pain can be compared to pressing an anvil to the heart while knives are inserted on all open sides. Science puts it as stress-induced cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome, a condition that follows when the heart is weakened due to extreme emotional stress such as break-up, divorce or the death of a loved one.
Everyday, the broken-hearted struggles to find a ray of light to live. She diverts attention to other things like work. She lives like a jaded zombie until the wonderful healer called time comes to pick up and paste the shattered pieces of her broken heart.
Every now and then the memory of yesteryears floods her, like arrows piercing her inner flesh. The warmth of her lover's hug, the kiss, and the horrible image of him with another woman is too much of a pain to handle - like a dagger jammed and jammed again, breaking into the core of her soul.
The Hope of Healing
A physical heart transplant is always easier than healing the broken heart. It is the soul of the heartbroken that needs healing, the memories that need a daily check up of tucking away, the spontaneous hemorrhagic vengeful conviction that needs to be controlled.
Yes, there is hope. There always is. One can choose to forgive, accept and move on. Some married couples, in the condition where the one at fault finds remorse and is willing to change, swim like champions to the finish line, getting over the hurt, working to achieve healing and restoration and inspiring other couples to do the same. The pain of forgiving is traded for the promise of a better future, a stronger love, a love that has weathered the storms. As always, "mercy is greater than revenge, compassion greater than anger."
Some just stay above the water for convenience' sake - for the children's sake. In worst cases, they live in a facade of togetherness, but internally they are in two separate worlds called "Open Relationship" or "It's Complicated."
Some drown in anger and revenge, caught in a vicious cycle of emotional battles up against each other. As a way to forget the pain and dilute the hate, they seek solace in another partner.
In the case where an erring spouse leaves voluntarily, the one who is left alone has no choice but to move on and heal solitarily. On this solo journey he or she finds what was once the wonderful self --- again, albeit the enormous pain.
To All Married Couples And Those Who Will Be
Occasionally jaded and idealistic as I am, I still believe that love is not a feeling, but a decision. Love is love when one strives to overlook an offense rather than be engulfed in it. Love is love when one remains true to a vow that once was made - through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer. Easier said than done, but true.
Love is love when one overcomes the temporary pleasures and trade it for what is real, what is true, what is right, what is for the long term. When marriage becomes a place of friendship, of loyalty, of cherishing each other, accepting each other's faults, and supporting each other through, love can flourish without being forced.
Here's a precious piece of advice from the best selling book "Have a Little Faith" by New York Times Bestselling author Mitch Albom. This advice came from the words of his minister, Rabbi Albert Lewis, a few months before his death.
"I think people expect too much from marriage today,'' he said.
"They expect perfection. Every moment should be bliss. That's TV or movies. But that is not the human experience. . . Twenty good minutes here, forty good minutes there, it adds up to something beautiful. The trick is when things aren't so great, you don't junk the whole thing."
"It's okay to have an argument. It's okay that the other one nudges you a little, bothers you a little. It's part of being close to someone."
"But the joy you get from that same closeness--when you watch your children, when you wake up and smile at each other--that . . . is a blessing. People forget that."
What Have We Forgotten?
Society has given lesser value to the sanctity of a covenant, of a vow, of a marriage. Our culture has created normalcy out of men or women practicing infidelity as a sign of authority, power, and influence. "Sex adventures" has been promoted as norms, hailing James Bond's spectacular charisma over women as a behaviour worth emulating.
Our media have lowered the image of women, treating them as objects of lust rather than human beings that need to be respected. Worst, women have accepted their value based on beauty, sex, and men's degree of affection towards them. As a result, some women who are desperate to feel loved by a man gives in to the trap of being the second girlfriend, one of the girls, a mistress, or a wife who should be satisfied because "siya ang inuuwian ng asawa niya" (she is the one her husband goes home to.) She has forgotten how precious she truly is. Society has warped what we value, and the sad thing is we conform to its decrees.
Blame it to how society defines love, blame the nagging wife or the complacent husband, but at the end of the day, the choice is still made by the person involved. "Junk the current thing for the new? Walk away? Or choose what is right and work at it?"
Marriage and Its Maker
In so many real testimonies that I heard and learned of, hope and comfort are found in the Great Designer of Marriage - God. By holding on to His promise of peace, restoration, and strength, the one whose heart was broken can find him or herself whole again. And in His perfect will and time, He makes all things new - and even turn broken marriages into renewed vows.
But while at the process of healing, forgiving, praying, but not tolerating, seem to work best for the one at fault. More importantly, it releases the hurting party from pain, anger, and un-forgiveness.
My hope is for all couples to agree to retreat, to go into the state of pondering the very reason they exist, the very reason they are together, the very reason they fell in love. By doing this, marriage returns to its original design - a sacred vow, a precious promise, a decision of love.
My hope is for all couples to humble themselves and pray to the God they promised "forever", to pray for healing, restoration and revival of love that will see them each day and will withstand all storms.
He is the bind that holds them together.
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:12May God heal the hearts of so many yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Thank you cuz, for the very beautiful and inspiring article. Will keep your pieces of advice from a married woman in mind...
ReplyDeleteHi Cuz! You are much welcome! :) I appreciate the comment. Hope we can see each other soon! :)
ReplyDelete